is it the big top for Amy?!

The great thing about travelling, so I am learning, is that it throws up some wonderful opportunities for understanding and questioning myself. Something that in day to day life I might not have time for, or might not want to even dare get into (for fear of mass panic that I’m doing everything wrong ), suddenly becomes possible when you’re thousands of miles away and on a break from reality. It’s a great opportunity to assess myself and to be honest, all the while knowing that I get a chance to ‘start again’ having solved any problems when I get home. Or so I hope!

I had one of these questioning moments today at work. Right in the middle of a ridiculously busy lunch rush. Not the perfect time for an inward assessment of my abilities, but these things never happen at a ‘good‘ time do they? Out of the blue, a sudden jolt of consciousness and a look within was upon me. A doubting, panicking and hopeless confusion that punctures even the most pleasant of moods had caught hold. A moment that throws life up into the clouds, only to fall, broken, the next second. As I ran around I caught my reflection in the window. And then, everything changed. 

I’ve spoken before about how clumsy I am at work, how many mistakes I make and how annoyed people must get with me. And until now, in any job, I have always laughed it off. The way I make fun of most things. But actually it’s really not that funny is it? I am twenty five, have been working since eighteen and have never advanced in any job! Why am I never able to do a job properly, to be the one getting the recognition for excelling and not just attempting? Why do my attempts never succeed?! Will I ever do a job that I am good at, that I am very good at? One that I don’t mess up, don’t cause problems and go home at the end of the day with a feeling other than hopelessness. Is there actually a job out there for me? It’s all very well being the clown (an unintentional one I might add!), but being a clown is not going to help me in life. Unless I join a circus...

So am I only good for laughs? It isn’t that I don’t try hard. I'm always getting noticed for trying (or being trying!). But I want to be so much better than that. And then there’s my hopes of becoming a published author. Is it only ever going to be a dream? Am I just kidding myself with the idea that perhaps I can make something of myself as an earning writer? With all my heart I hope not because I’m not sure I’m cut out for sharing a tent with an elephant and a Chinese dwarf who can breath fire from his nose whilst balancing a plate on his big toe! 

But I know self confidence and ‘putting yourself out there’ (in a non promiscuous sense!) is what one needs to succeed in the ever tougher world of publication, and these are two things I find most hard. Perhaps my real trouble is that I never think I’m good enough for anything. And I’m sure I’ve said that before too! A few blogs ago I was all fired up to be proactive, but now, failing to do anything other than try at another job has put all the doubts back in my mind. And I know it is only a simple job whilst travelling, but if I can’t do that well...is there any hope for me?!

And then there’s Ollie. Put him in any job and he is an immediate success, complemented for his ability and always an ‘asset to the team’. I don’t think I’ve ever been an ‘asset’, just an ass! If only I was more like him! He’s one of those people that would go far in whatever job they were given, always achieving and never the one known for constantly stuffing up. But I am not jealous, just in admiration of my husband’s abilities!

Even so, I refuse to feel depressed and to begin the decent into worry about what I’ll do when I get home. When traveling is just a mourned memory and I’m at another job I’ll never be good at. Positive thinking is a must! Surely there are things I'm good at, just perhaps not the things needed to do well in certain jobs. And maybe that’s it! I have been doing the wrong jobs! And so with that hopeful thought (although I’m not convinced) I make a plan for England; to acquire employment in a non slip, non stick, non liquid, non food, non mess making establishment where I will thrive in an area of my expertise (talking or writing!) and win an award for something more than just ‘trying hard’!

19/4/12